


Is That How you Feel

by MarquisDeMindfangette (KittyCreative)



Series: Jamilton Angst Series [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicide Attempt, atleast alex isnt the suicidal one in this one, but hey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 04:00:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7997803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyCreative/pseuds/MarquisDeMindfangette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His voice had slowly wiltered off into a soft whisper as Jefferson brought a hand up to his face, wiping off his tears and covering his eyes. He had saw only a glimpse of the shorter boys face but he knew what he was thinking. </p><p>He had a disgusted look on his face. It was terrifying. Because he knew that Alex now thought so lowly about him. </p><p>"Is that how you feel."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is That How you Feel

"What we can tell, it was intentional dehydration."

"But why would he do that? That's not like him, i /know/ him."

"Well, signs show he hadn't taken his meds in multiple months, around four."

"He took medication? How come I never fucking knew about this."

Thomas had been in and out of sleep, uncomfortable to say the least. 

But when had wires and a hospital bed ever been comfortable.

Never. The answer was Never.

He had been in this exact place, 3 times now, with three different people.

They shouldn't let him out. No matter how much he tried to conceal everything with his high and mighty facade, he couldn't do it.

He felt a hand on his arm and let out a soft groan "Go away."

"Thomas what the fuck were you thinking."

* * *

 

"Thomas, what were you thinking?" Her voice was soft and tired. 

She placed a hand on his cheek, running her thumb along it and pulling a small smile from his lips.

"I'm sorry Martha, my love. I have disappointed you. I think you should move on, however. You deserve much better than this."

Her look softened and Thomas closed his eyes. He didn't want to see her hurt look or the tears that were surely coming from her eyes. He didn't want to see how him hurting himself had hurt her so much in the process.

* * *

 

"Hamilton just leave. I don't want you to pity me" Thomas sighed, opening his eyes slightly, just enough to glare at Alexander, who looked genuinely confused.

"I'm not pitying you Thomas, whats the matter, you really need to tell me."

"Of course your pitying me /Alexander/" he paused, putting emphasis on the word Alexander "Everybody pities me! I can't take care of myself and I know you've heard what happened with James and Martha! I know you aren't dumb Alex. You just didn't want me to feel like shit anymore so you told me you loved me because you knew if I had somebody to love that I might get better. Well it doesn't work that way. I can tell you don't love me anymore. Or did you at all? I don't want to be hurt anymore Hamilton." 

His voice had slowly wiltered off into a soft whisper as Jefferson brought a hand up to his face, wiping off his tears and covering his eyes. He had saw only a glimpse of the shorter boys face but he knew what he was thinking. 

He had a disgusted look on his face. It was terrifying. Because he knew that Alex now thought so lowly about him. 

"Is that how you feel."

* * *

 

"Is that how you feel?" James asked, raising a questioing eyebrow.

"Yes"

* * *

 

Silence. 

"I'm sorry."

"You know what, screw you, I actually tried to love you. And you go- go try and kill yourself! Maybe, I would have tried harder if you told me what was wrong with you Thomas! What is wrong with you Thomas? Huh? Tell me."

Silence.

Jefferson sat up and leaned forward, hand falling from his eyes and looking at Alexander.

"I just-" He took a second, clearing his throat "I tried so hard to make you happy. I wanted to see you smile at me like I know you could. But I never earned a smile. I tried so hard Alexander, I wanted you to be happy. You were so happy with Marie and John and Hercules and I just, though... maybe if I was more like them you would love me more. And I tried and tried and tried and I couldn't win you over and I just don't see the point of even trying anymore." 

 

"I'm pathetic."


End file.
